{"id":3617,"date":"2026-01-24T00:00:55","date_gmt":"2026-01-24T05:00:55","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/claremontcoloniccenter.com\/?p=3617"},"modified":"2026-01-24T10:52:54","modified_gmt":"2026-01-24T15:52:54","slug":"what-you-should-know-if-theres-no-sexual-attraction-for-your-partner-according-to-a-therapist","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/claremontcoloniccenter.com\/?p=3617","title":{"rendered":"What You Should Know if There\u2019s No Sexual Attraction for Your Partner, According to a Therapist."},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t
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What You Should Know if There\u2019s No Sexual Attraction for Your Partner, According to a Therapist.<\/h2>\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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\n\t\t\t\tA lot of heterosexual male clients are coming into my practice admitting they picked their partner without considering sexual attraction.<\/b><\/i>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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\n\t\t\t\tDuring couples therapy sessions with his partner in the room, the man will claim that he doesn\u2019t know why he isn\u2019t experiencing desire. Maybe it\u2019s stress, low testosterone or feeling anxious.

\n\nBut when I meet with him individually, he often tells a different story. He tells me he picked his partner without prioritizing sexual attraction.

\n\nWhy would a person pick a potential life partner without feeling the spark of sexual attraction? And can these relationships survive and thrive? Can something like sexual attraction that wasn\u2019t there in the first place be cultivated later?

\n\nI\u2019ve talked with many men in their 30s who have told me, \u201cWhen I found the woman I wanted to marry, she checked all the boxes. Except one.\u201d

\n\nCharacteristics on that list include \u201cbeing my best friend,\u201d \u201cwill make an amazing mother,\u201d \u201cour friends and families get along so well,\u201d and \u201cshe really loves me.\u201d The one box that didn\u2019t get ticked? Sexual attraction \u2014 and often the men didn\u2019t even list that quality to start.

\n\nI was stunned.

\n\nSexuality is the one thing that really distinguishes a romantic relationship from a platonic one: I find that it\u2019s one kind of \u201crelationship glue\u201d that helps couples stay together through hard times. That\u2019s why I\u2019m puzzled that so many people devalue sex in picking a partner for a long-term relationship.

\n\n\u201cResearch shows that, while physical attractiveness is usually among the most important traits people desire in a romantic partner, it doesn\u2019t actually top the list for men or women,\u201d said Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a research fellow at the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University, a research center dedicated to sexuality. \u201cTraits like intelligence, humor, honesty and kindness are often at least as important, if not more.\u201d

\n\nSome men have internalized an \u201ceither\/or\u201d view of women: those who make great wives and mothers and those who are sexually adventurous, according to Chicago-based sex therapist Dr. Elizabeth Perri.

\n\n\u201cI\u2019ve observed this in male patients who are out in the dating world and feel the pressure to pick someone whom they perceive as \u2018wife material\u2019 but without sexual attraction, rather than waiting to find a partner who is a better fit both emotionally and sexually,\u201d Perri told me.

\n How important is sexual attraction in a relationship? <\/b>

\n\nGood sex can help protect against psychological distress, including anxiety and depression, helps couples achieve a deeper connection, and improves relationship satisfaction.

\n\n\u201cIf a relationship is a meal, the sexual portion ought to be considered an integral part of it, such as the protein, instead of a frivolous part like dessert,\u201d says Eva Dillon, a sex therapist based in New York City.

\n\n\u201cIn my experience, it\u2019s possible for women to cultivate desire for a partner with considerable effort, but if a man does not have desire for his partner at the beginning of a relationship, he will never desire her,\u201d Dillon told me. Why count on sexual attraction coming later when you can prioritize it in a partner and enjoy the benefits from the beginning?\u201d

\n\nStill, lower levels of sexual attraction aren\u2019t always a problem for couples, said sexologist Dr. Yvonne Fulbright.

\n\n\u201cFor some people, a lack of sexual attraction can lead to infidelity or divorce. For others, a lack of sexual attraction only becomes a problem when one tunes into societal expectations around sex and desire,\u201d said Fulbright, who is an adjunct professorial lecturer in the department of sociology at American University in Washington, DC.

\n\n\u201cA lot of pressure is being put on couples to maintain active sex lives, and hot ones at that. People have the sense that there\u2019s a type and quality of desire that needs to be achieved, with any disinterest in such considered a problem that needs to be solved.\u201d

\n\nSome of my therapist colleagues caution against putting too much emphasis on the importance of immediate sexual attraction.

\n\n\u201cWe have this misconception that we must be physically attracted to someone when we first meet or there is no relationship potential. That\u2019s just not true,\u201d said sex therapist Dr. Rachel Needle. \u201cAttraction can grow as you get to know someone and experience increased closeness and connection.\u201d

\n How to bring the spark back in a relationship<\/b>

\n\nWhat should you do if you and your partner are running out of sexual steam? Or if you want to turn up the heat on a relationship that didn\u2019t have any to start with?

\n\nFulbright cautioned against giving any sweeping advice. \u201cOnly partners can figure out the best way to manage this challenge in their relationship,\u201d she said.

\n\n\u201cNon-monogamy may work for some, but not others. Couples need to decide how honest to be with each other, how much this matter is a dealbreaker in staying together versus not, and how much weight should be given to this issue in light of other good things they have going for them,\u201d she added via email.

\n\nDon\u2019t feel that all is lost if you\u2019re in a long-term relationship. For some couples, sexual desire can grow over time if they focus on it. \u201cIt often isn\u2019t until our 30s that we get comfortable enough to ask for what we want in bed,\u201d Dillon said.

\n\nBut I refuse to agree with anyone who thinks that married couples will stop having sex anyway so why bother prioritizing sexual attraction.

\n\n\u201cMany couples in their 50s can explore and expand their sexuality thanks to maturity and empty nests. For couples in their 60s, 70s and beyond who are able to expand their definition of sex beyond orgasm and co-create intimacy, sex can continue to be vibrant and rich,\u201d Dillon added via email.

\n\nAnd keep in mind, your sexual health is a barometer of your overall health. So if you really are experiencing an inexplicable drop in sexual interest, consider talking to your medical provider. Maybe your testosterone levels really have fallen.

\nWhatever the source of your lack of sexual interest, just be up-front with your partner. Honesty, as it turns out, can be a turn-on (eventually).


\n\nContributor: Ian Kerner \u2013 CNN Health<\/i>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

What You Should Know if There\u2019s No Sexual Attraction for Your Partner, According to a Therapist. A lot of heterosexual male clients are coming into my practice admitting they picked their partner without considering sexual attraction. During couples therapy sessions with his partner in the room, the man will claim that he doesn\u2019t know why […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[7,4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3617","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-health","category-lifestyle"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/claremontcoloniccenter.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3617","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/claremontcoloniccenter.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/claremontcoloniccenter.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/claremontcoloniccenter.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/claremontcoloniccenter.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3617"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/claremontcoloniccenter.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3617\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3624,"href":"https:\/\/claremontcoloniccenter.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3617\/revisions\/3624"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/claremontcoloniccenter.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3617"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/claremontcoloniccenter.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3617"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/claremontcoloniccenter.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3617"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}